Of all these, none can match the Veat^® Vegetarian Breast for attempting to look like the animal it purports to replace. Tofu dogs and veggie burgers take the convenient form of other meat delivery systems — the better to fit into buns — but the Veat Breast actually has limbs. Molded to resemble a flattened Cornish game hen, the “breast” sports a gimpy wing and leg, as well as a severed neck-stump and tail. This is apparently a bid to underscore the fact that the Veat Vegetarian Breast “Eats Like Chicken!™” (yes, they trademarked that phrase).

Without further ado, behold… my Veat:

Emerging from its box, the frosty young Veat retains an outer membrane of plastic.

Within the membrane, a molded shell protects the Veat from the depredations of its natural predators: Shipping and Handling.

Its carapace removed, the crisp lines of the Veat’s shriveled wing and muscular haunch are manifest.

All that remains is to baste the Veat with teriyaki sauce, allow to marinate, and bake…

…Time’s up! Look at that crispy, Veaty goodness!

Truly, there is plenty here. 4 servings, says the box.

Simply slice Veat, season to taste and serve. Bon Appétit!

Surprisingly, it’s not so bad. The Veat Breast — mostly TVP and binding agents — has a smooth, chewy texture, and though it purports to contain spices, sea salt, and sugar, it’s pretty damned bland. The teriyaki marinade went a long way to infusing it with interest. It’s not vegan, however, since it includes whey protein. I can’t imagine preparing a Veat Breast as anything other than a novelty — the limbs really do push it beyond the pale — but Veat Bites or Veat Nuggets, chunky amorphous blobs that they are, would probably do fine in a stir-fry.

Note that Veat^® is made in Taiwan, so factor-in the cost of shipping this meatless monstrosity from the Far East if you’re concerned about the absurd amount of fossil fuels that can go into putting food on your table.